I lost my job a few days ago.

Last year was perhaps the most successful of my 23 years with the company. “Cost cutting, job elimination, we are so sorry,” they said. To say that I have been in shock for a couple days is an understatement. I haven’t seen my resume in 24 years. I’m older. I’m scared.

How can an event be both so devastating and exciting? Yes, I said exciting. I don’t always feel that way, but if I truly believe that God is in control, and that He is always up to something good, then this could be – no, this is – the beginning of a new adventure with Jesus. But doubt, depression, and panic are always at the door. What should I expect from God? How should I pray? How will I know if He is leading or speaking? Do I just assume that anything that comes up is from Him, even if I don’t want it? Perhaps, especially if I don’t want it – doesn’t God regularly take us out of our comfort zone to challenge us and change us? Or is the next opportunity a distraction? How do I discern if the next thing is a distraction or God’s direction? What do I need to do? Pray and wait? But I feel like I should be active. I have responsibilities. There are lots of options – some easy, some difficult, some intriguing but I don’t know how to pursue them – and time is ticking. I can seek out another corporate job. I can maybe find a flexible job that will afford me the opportunity to do more in ministry. I can just pursue ministry. I can move back home, live in the farm and care for my aging parents. But what is His plan?

The first question is: Do I trust him? Didn’t He see this before I was even born?

As money runs out and options fall off the table, do I trust Him? It is the first, basic question. I’ve been here before – devastated and lost. But I don’t ask “why” any more. I’ve learned to ask “what.” Jesus is the only hope I have. Jesus is exceedingly good. Jesus is in control. This did not take Him by surprise. So if I truly, deeply trust him, then my second question is, “What are you up to?” Following close on the heels of that question is the next: “How do I find out what you are up to and how do I follow?”

Here is the truth: in this last third of my life, I now have an opportunity. I have the opportunity to tune into God’s plan for the rest of my life and do that. I have the opportunity to ignore the call back to corporate life and a comfortable salary (though that may be hard to come by) and ignore the call to throw in the towel and head back to a place of safety.

I really want to know what He has planned for me. I really want to pursue his course for my life. I really want him to map it out and relay it to me in great detail! (I don’t think I’ll get that last wish!) I really want a Moses and the burning bush event to show me the way. Often, it feels we get the Joseph thrown in the well, then sold into slavery then thrown into prison event. Sure, God is preparing us for something, but He isn’t telling us what He is up to! I guess we will know when we get there.

So, I sit here, weighing options, praying, waiting to hear from God. It is … uncomfortable. I just want to know and do his will. I’m afraid I will miss it. I’m afraid my ears and my heart are so clogged, clutter and confused that I will not hear or not understand. I’m afraid I will get it wrong.

Funny, of the half dozen or so people who know what is going on and know me well, all of them have said the EXACT SAME THING: “Well, now are you finally going to do….” maybe I have a burning bush kind of even after all.